Archive for the tag “Adultery”


I have quit trying to be adequate, no longer defining my adequacy by my role as a wife and a mother, and God knows He will not allow me to reinvent myself and be anything more than I am at this time:


I am broken.

The years of being trying to be perfect have left me nothing more than a mess.

Always striving to be who I wasn’t called to be, suppose to be.

Finding my identity in Christ, yet, learning that even comes with a price.

Managing, holding the puzzle pieces up against the wall, less one falls.

One fell, then two, then three, so busy holding them up, I couldn’t see what had been happening behind me.

Now I am broken and that’s okay because I can finally let God heal me.

I want to run, I want to hide, there are days where my mind still fights the pain inside.

Yet, no longer do I care how I appear, if I fit the stereotype, I simply don’t care because I am broken.

My insecurities leave me a victim so many days, I have cursed God, and again that is okay because I am broken and He will heal me.

I can’t even pretend I am not hurt this time around, my tears, almost a year later still fall to the ground. I mentally know that “it” has

nothing to do with me, yet, personal feelings of inadequacy stir within.

God hold me close when I even refuse to say your name. I am broken, I am not the same. I am disillusioned. I am in pain. My heart is

broken for more reasons than I even know. God , I pray don’t let me go. as I fight you at times and even Your will,

give me Your strength, to stay broken, to feel.

Keep me from accepting a substitute for what’s real.

Read Substitution



I wanted to know the process of how one comes to think only of himself……..

Inadequacy- a feeling we are born with, given to us by our Creator so that we may recognize our need for Him.

The very feeling can drive us into His arms, knowing we have a need to open our souls to the very one who created us.  He made us for fellowship with Him, intimacy with Him, the need to know Him.  Yet so many of us, instead of recognizing the Maker made us to be “less than” so we would recognize our need for Him, run from our inability to measure up, we become self made men.  We set our own standards.  We create our own list.  We work hard to be everything we think we need to be to adequate.  We strive to be the best, have the best, look the best, and make the most.  We go to college, get married, land jobs making 2 to 3 figures more than our parents did.  We start to believe that we arrive even though we can’t stop running to be better…to feel adequate.  The successes starts taking a toll on our pride.  Although we still do not feel adequate and we wrestle with acceptance and approval, we are inflated men with empty souls.  We look strong and important.  We are leaders in our field.  Our desire for adequacy thrust us up the proverbial ladder at lightening speed.  We are what looks good to the world. Our successes reinforce our own ability and that we do not need a Savior or rely on any man but self.  We are selfish beings by our very refusal to admit our need for God to make us adequate.  We let our pride stand in the way of us calling out to Him, to be intimate with Him, to admit we are broken and that we need Him.  Oh, how we wish to cry out to Him but we would have to face the feelings of inadequacy that we have for so long ran from so we refuse and continue being self made men.  New jobs, higher salaries, the chemical rush from successes often becomes not enough.  Vices become fixes to distract from our feelings.  Hours on the iTouch, years in front of the television, constant nights out with the girls, secret viewing of porn, occasional drinks that lead to constant drunkenness, white collar drug addiction, affairs, you name your vice and I’ll name mine, all the while knowing the root:  Our refusal to just acknowledge that God made us inadequate for a reason, to recognize Him, to point us to a Maker so that we do not believe we just evolved to live and die and disappear forever.  He made us “less than” but He also made us “thinking people” to recognize and then acknowledge our need for Him.

Self-Made Men: Tiger Woods double life, Herman Cain’s secret “friend”, and Newt Gingrich’s 6 1/2 year affair do not occur because these men of power were “following their hearts”, got married too young, or were under pressure.  It occurred because these men chose to run from their need for their Maker.  They may have acknowledged them with their breathe but they ultimately lived for themselves.  They were inadequate and they knew it.  Being self-made men to compensate for the God sized hole in their souls led them to a life of success, yes, but also a life of selfishness, pride, shame, and sorrow.  Their actions were direct results of their thinking about themselves, what would make them feel good for the moment, possibly what they were even entitled to, that which would relieve them for the moment of feeling inadequate, a fantasy that allowed the escape from the life the self-made man had created.

I have pondered, agonized, sought counsel, and sometimes still daily try to understand, yet, I am coming to grips with the above mentioned truth, we are all inadequate but that is how we are to be.  What we do with our inadequacies is ultimately what will make all the difference in our lives.  Will we be self made runners, fillers,and  escapees who measure our own worth or will we be turners who He will make whole?

I have quit trying to be adequate, no longer defining my adequacy by my role as a wife and a mother, and God knows He will not allow me to reinvent myself and be anything more than I am at this time: Broken

Read Brokenness


The last nine months of my life have been that of a Costa Concordia experience. What was to have become an exciting adventure, the fruition of all things hoped for; it became that of a nightmare, and although the music and food was good when the ship hit the rocks, so appeared my life when the first intrusion came. “Out of nowhere” was repeatedly quoted by passengers of the Costa Concordia, the cruise ship that took on water after hitting rocks, as they describe the jolt that cut the power and sent them scrambling into chaos. I, too, initially repeated the same phrase, “out of nowhere”, to describe how the life changing jolt,that sent me figuring out how to best survive, came. Like a survivor of a traumatic event, I went over every detail, questioning how, why, trying to find answer that would make sense, needing answers that could explain and stop my pain. Round and round, I would go, obsessing, processing, grieving, almost getting to acceptance, and then starting the process of trying to make sense of that which had no justifiable, excusable, or accidental answer. Coming to the same conclusion each time, like the passengers of the doomed ship, my course had been forever altered not ” out of nowhere” but from another only thinking of self, leading not to a momentary lapse in judgment , but a selfish choice.
As a deep thinker and one with strong conviction I had to understand how one becomes selfish. I wanted to know the process of how one comes to think only of himself……..
Read Inadequacy

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