I have quit trying to be adequate, no longer defining my adequacy by my role as a wife and a mother, and God knows He will not allow me to reinvent myself and be anything more than I am at this time:
I am broken.
The years of being trying to be perfect have left me nothing more than a mess.
Always striving to be who I wasn’t called to be, suppose to be.
Finding my identity in Christ, yet, learning that even comes with a price.
Managing, holding the puzzle pieces up against the wall, less one falls.
One fell, then two, then three, so busy holding them up, I couldn’t see what had been happening behind me.
Now I am broken and that’s okay because I can finally let God heal me.
I want to run, I want to hide, there are days where my mind still fights the pain inside.
Yet, no longer do I care how I appear, if I fit the stereotype, I simply don’t care because I am broken.
My insecurities leave me a victim so many days, I have cursed God, and again that is okay because I am broken and He will heal me.
I can’t even pretend I am not hurt this time around, my tears, almost a year later still fall to the ground. I mentally know that “it” has
nothing to do with me, yet, personal feelings of inadequacy stir within.
God hold me close when I even refuse to say your name. I am broken, I am not the same. I am disillusioned. I am in pain. My heart is
broken for more reasons than I even know. God , I pray don’t let me go. as I fight you at times and even Your will,
give me Your strength, to stay broken, to feel.
Keep me from accepting a substitute for what’s real.